M-Rob On Deck

WARNING: This post contains some things that might gross you out. Do not continue reading if you can’t handle a little toilet talk. 

Woke up feeling incredibly hungry and with an unstoppable urge to make my way to the bathroom QUICKLY. I produced the smelliest dook of my life. It was a stinky sign. I NEED to get healthy. I need to juice.

My hesitations: 

1. I’ve tried to juice for a whole day before and couldn’t deal with it. I ended up cracking late evening and bingeing on a shit-ton of bread. What a waste.
2. I live with my dude who is anti-juice-cleansing and will unintentionally tempt me with whatever food he is eating.
3. There are fruit flies currently living with us. This means my juicer must be thoroughly cleaned IMMEDIATELY after use, garbage must be constantly dumped, and all of the fruit purchased must be kept in the fridge. The annoying little things will also contribute to my madness. 

    I WILL DESTROY THEM ALL.

I hit up the lovely Bryna Dabby for advice, as she had been juicing for a few days and was tweeting about it. She told me about xoJane and that she was doing really well with the juicing regimen.

I buy about 25 dollars worth of produce and go to work.

The first juice was very tasty. The Kiwi/Apple/Banana combo mask the Spinach/Kale well. I threw in half of a cucumber because I thought I had the recipe locked in my brain, plus it was green so I figured it belonged in the “Greens Juice.” I was wrong, but it was still delicious.

Shortly after consuming the juice I started to worry about hunger pains. I wasn’t ready to get back in the kitchen and start throwing together the next juice. I poured myself a glass of water and turned the kettle on. At least I can turn to herbal tea if things start to get rough.

Well, the tea didn’t work, and neither did the water I was downing. I’m starving. Doesn’t help that my BF is annoyed I’m doing this and is constantly telling me to “eat something.” 

I had to get my bike fixed so we went out. He was hungry (I was starving) so we stopped at Panera so he could grab something. He wants to sit inside and eat. GREAT. There is no way I can watch him eat in my state of starvation, so I cheat and get a salad. 

The salad was huge: Chicken, romaine, pineapple, strawberries, blueberries and pecans with a poppyseed dressing.

I ate the whole thing and I swear to you: I am still hungry. Side note: I do not recommend this salad from Panera. Not worth the $11 and they won’t give you a break on the price if you ask for a vegetarian version. That’s balls.

I get home and make another “Greens Juice.” Drink. STILL not satisfied.

It wasn’t until I consumed the “Lemonade,” my fourth juice of the day, that I actually started to feel like I could live my life without thinking about food. This is good news because I have a softball game to get to and I want to ride my bike.

Start worrying about food as the ballgame’s winding down. Still had a bit of a ride back home, I only had water with me, and I knew the BF wanted to stop and grab a Subway sandwich. He asks me if I want to order something (jerk). I patiently wait for him to finish his Steak & Cheese footlong that would normally be unappealing to me. Not today, friends. Not today.

  I wasn’t feeling overly famished when I got home, but I made my final Greens Juice of the day and started soaking the cashews for the Cashew Milk.

  While the cashews are soaking I start peeling almonds that I had been soaking so I could start working on the Raw Energy Bars I wanted to keep in the fridge for “starvation emergencies.” 

The Cashew Milk is quite enjoyable. It’s completely different from the other juices and I actually start to feel full for the first time all day.

FRUIT FLY KILL COUNT DAY ONE: 4

DAY 2

I have to plan my juicing for the day around gaming and taking my bike out to locate decent cashews, more kale, Granny Smith apples and bananas (4 out of 6 juices require a banana). 

Started feeling hunger pains about an hour after consuming the first Greens Juice. I drink some water to hold off for another hour then make the Pineapple/Apple/Cucumber juice for my “snack.” I swear this juice only makes me crave more food.

Drink half of it, make an Earl Grey tea, play some video games. Hunger. Drink the rest. Still hunger. Now I’m thinking I should just have an energy bar because I don’t want to make another juice and clean the fucking juicer, again. 

After resisting the inevitable, I make the damn Greens Juice for my dinner and juice a lemon for the lemonade that I bottle and put in the fridge. WASH THE JUICER. GAAAAAH

Chug the Greens, sip the lemonade, get on my bike and head to No Frills. On any other day, when I’ve actually eaten a meal, Lake Shore smells like shit. Today, as I ride, I smell fresh baked cookies, pizza, McDonald’s french fries, and I want it all. The ride is a struggle, but I push. Spend 12 dollars on more fruit and veggies. Load it into the backpack and head home. 

I’m hungry, but not an omg-I-can’t-go-on kind of hungry. My head is surprisingly clear and I’m not experiencing the delirium I was the last time I tried juicing for a whole day. 

 I make another Greens Juice for my dinner. While I like these recipes I’m starting to feel like I’ve been consuming far too many bananas in one day. This realization comes to me  shortly after gas-releasing commences (tried to make that sound as classy as possible). If I’m going to be completely open and honest, I must inform you that I’ve only dookied once a day these past 2 days and the “gas-releasing” that is happening actually burns on the way out. I blame the bananas. 

I didn’t finish all of the cashew milk, so I simply stored it in the fridge so I would have something to look forward to in the morning. (Yay)

FRUIT FLY KILL COUNT DAY TWO: 8

DAY 3

Woke up with a sore throat, gargled with saltwater, made a Sencha Green Tea with lemon and agave and got back in bed. Minus the looming illness, I’m feeling great! Not hungry, not sleepy or sluggish. 

I make my first Greens following the same recipe (banana and all) and sip it because I’m really getting sick of the way this sludge tastes. I decide there will be no more bananas in my Greens Juices for the day; I need to remedy the burning tootage. 

The Beet juice was my first “snack,” today, and I’m thankful for it.

The Pineapple/Apple/Cucumber was too sweet and was really difficult to get down during our last meeting. 

Couple of hours later, I’ve now let myself go too long without another juice because I’ve been far too invested in a video game. I’m famished. Thank goodness for the Raw Energy Bars I have stored in the fridge. I demolish a small square and sit back down with my game.

It’s time for a change as I start to gather produce for my second Greens of the day. I eliminate the banana and go with spinach/kale/celery/cucumber/apple/lemon. Totally different taste (this is good) but I should have gone with 1/4 lemon and not the 1/2 I put in. I make my lemonade/cayenne/agave “snack” while I’m at it and stick the bottle in the fridge. *Sigh* I miss food.

Three hours pass and I’m now delirious. My brain actually feels like it may be shrinking. My toots burn. This fucking sucks.

Why did I do this, again? Oh. Right. To “feel healthy.” Now I’m feeling sick and look like shit. Not the shit that I’m producing, however, because that shit is green.

I make some cashew milk and drink it quickly. I need to feel better and I’m hoping this helps.

Fuck it. I can’t so this anymore. (Sorry Bryna! You’ve been so sweet and supportive, but it’s over for me.) I’m out.

Three days. Took me three days to crack… like an egg, baby. Like an egg. 

Hmmm.. think I’ll have one of those, tomorrow.

FRUIT FLY KILL COUNT DAY THREE: 9 (If there are any remaining, they have learned not to reveal themselves, for I am the Fruit Fly Destroyer! Muah ha ha!)

Delirium has set in. Please excuse any spelling/grammatical errors in this post. I have gone mad.